


only human

by casdoms (moffwithhishead)



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alcohol, Angst, Anxiety, Human Castiel, Human Dean, M/M, Post Season 10, written before s10 premiered
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-03
Updated: 2015-01-03
Packaged: 2018-03-05 05:27:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,307
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3107795
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/moffwithhishead/pseuds/casdoms
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>They're human now. They're both human. No longer an angel, no longer a Knight. That really shouldn't be as scary as it is.</p><p>"Nothing," Dean answers automatically, feeling the ache in his chest grow. It feels like the imaginary person sitting on his chest just gained twenty pounds and breathing feels a lot more difficult with Cas around. He'd rather not think about why. </p><p>So instead, Dean takes a swig of the whiskey and winces at the burn, not as numb to it as he used to be.</p>
            </blockquote>





	only human

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this maybe in may or june? I honestly don't remember when. I was going through my drafts on tumblr and decided to publish this mostly as-is. I hope it's not too bad. 
> 
> **warnings:** dean uses alcohol as a coping mechanism. alludes to anxiety attacks. kinda brushes the surface of my headcanon(s) re: dean's feelings about being cured. future, canon compliant fic. it's kinda sad.

There are days when Dean feels like there's this great big hole in his chest. Like someone's sitting on top of it, on top of  _him_ , and there's a weight that he's not even remotely strong enough to know how to lift.

On those days he stays in his room and tries to distract himself. Game of Thrones or porn or reading or sometimes, when he's all alone and there's no one home to hear him, guitar. He's been trying to cut back on the drinking since he became a human again.

 _Trying_  is the operative word. Trying.

Cas catches him sitting on his bed with a bottle of Jack in his hands. "Dean," he hears coming from the doorway but doesn't look up, "What... what are you doing?" 

They're human now. They're  _ **both**_  human. No longer an angel, no longer a Knight. That really shouldn't be as scary as it is.

"Nothing," Dean answers automatically, feeling the ache in his chest grow. It feels like the imaginary person sitting on his chest just gained twenty pounds and breathing feels a lot more difficult with Cas around. He'd rather not think about why. 

So instead, Dean takes a swig of the whiskey and winces at the burn, not as numb to it as he used to be. 

"You know, for someone who lies professionally, you're truly terrible at it," Cas says plainly as he walks into the room and steals the bottle from Dean's hands. He ignores the indignant squawking from the other man and takes a large drink, drowning a quarter of the bottle in one go. 

"What the hell?!" Dean squeaks out and steals the bottle back from Cas once he's sitting on the bed, "Didn't anyone teach you not to steal a man's alcohol?! Shit - didn't  _I_  teach you that?" 

Cas looks up at him and smiles a little as he says flatly, "Apologies."

Dean narrows his eyes at him, "You're not sorry." The other man just shrugs and crawls up onto the bed fully so he's laying next to Dean.

He tries not to think about the fact that their thighs are touching and that Cas is wearing an old pair of shorts of his from when Dean was younger. He definitely does not stare at the hair on his best friend's thighs and how it seems to lead up somewhere.

When his brain starts to think of where the hair might lead to, Dean takes another big drink and rests back against his pillows (he stole a few from the couch). 

"Sam says you have been... ' _moping_ '." 

Cas sounds so tentative when he says the last word, like he's scared that he might frighten Dean off. 

It makes Dean laugh - it's bitter and a little broken, but still... it's a laugh, "Moping. Fucking sasquatch..." He takes a drink from the bottle and snorts again, not really sure why this time, "Moping. That's such a stupid fucking word."

"I would be inclined to agree," Cas murmured with a concerned frown, "You know... you can always talk to me, Dean. I may not be..."

He hesitates and looks down at his hands like he's angry at them. It makes Dean's heart ache all over again.

"I may not be what I once was," he continues eventually, his voice quieter now as he talks about this, "And I may not... I may not understand all of the human emotions yet. But..." This time Cas looks up at Dean and meets his eyes before saying quietly, "You are my best friend, Dean. And I can't do much but I can be here for you."

Dean's not sure but he's fairly positive that he just  _heard_  his heart break into thirty thousand pieces. "Cas, man..." he hates how raw his voice sounds. He hates that he's not wasted while having this conversation. 

"You are one of the best and greatest humans that I've ever met, Dean," Castiel's voice is reverent and he set a hand down on top of Dean's, "You are strong. And I know..." He looks away for a moment, swallowing nervously, "Well, I  _don't_  know exactly how you must feel... with your fears and what you were and the ways it effected you..." If Dean didn't know any better, he would've thought that he heard Cas' voice break - and it's so heartbreakingly human that he can't do anything but cover the other man's hand with both of his own and squeeze it. 

"I may not know exactly what you're feeling," he continues with a slightly shaky voice and squeezes Dean's hands back, "But I do know that whatever's wrong... whatever you're feeling... we  _can_  help. Your brother and I just want you to be happy, Dean." 

Dean has no idea what to do with that.

So he starts laughing.

Cas is so startled that he drops the other man's hand for a moment before setting his own hand on top of his friend's wrist, "Dean...?" 

He can't stop laughing. He has no idea why he's laughing but he laughs harder than he has in  _years_. Almost as hard (probably harder) as that time at Plucky's when Sam walked up to the Impala covered in glitter and pouting like a kicked puppy. 

There are  _tears_  in his eyes he's laughing so hard - it's ridiculous. 

And that just seems to make him laugh harder. 

"I'm sorry," he wheezes out and grips Cas' wrist as he bends in half at the waist, "Oh fuck, I'm sorry, I have no idea why I'm laughing." 

Castiel regards him with obvious concern and he starts to get off of the bed after a moment, "Perhaps I should go get Sam..." Dean shakes his head and pulls Cas back down onto the bed, unable to gather enough breath to actually speak at the moment.

He doesn't start to calm down until he feels a tentative hand resting on his back and Dean's breathing seems to finally start to even out when Cas begins rubbing in small, soothing circles.

It takes Dean a good minute to realize why his friend is being so gentle and not saying anything - Dean's crying. 

"Aw fuck," he mumbles and wipes his cheeks off, turning away from Cas. They both know what this is about and Dean knows without having to look that Cas wants to talk about it. And the idea of being honest with Cas about  _this_  is almost as terrifying as living through being a demon was. 

Instead of saying anything Cas hands up a tissue and Dean lets out a startled laugh as he takes it, not really sure where it came from. 

"Look," Dean blurts out after a few minutes of silence, "I... I'm not okay, alright? I am... so far from being okay," he laughs bitterly, "That I'm not really sure if there's a word to describe what I am.  _But_..." 

He lets out a breath of air and moves so he can squeeze the hand that Cas has resting on his arm, refusing to look up at him, "I do know that you and Sammy are here for me. And... man I can't promise much on the whole talking about it thing but I do promise to try." 

Castiel smiles and visibly relaxes before using both of his arms to pull Dean closer so his head is resting against Cas' chest, "Good." 

Dean tenses for half a second at the sudden change in locale but then he hears the steady heartbeat of the man he's pretty sure he's been in love with since he was pulled out of hell and he feels himself starting to relax. He can't even remember the last time he felt this safe in someone else's arms. 

"You can go to sleep, Dean," he hears a strong voice mumble into his hair. "I'll watch over you." 


End file.
